Kinks and fetishes tend to get thrown into the same bucket of “taboo” sexual interests. This isn’t exactly surprising, TBH, given society’s dismissive and often downright negative treatment of sexual behaviors and fantasies that deviate from the (vanilla, cis-het) “norm.” But don’t be fooled, there *is* a difference between a kink and a fetish.
Psychotherapist Lee Phillips, CST, LCSW, a certified sex and couples therapist, says a kink is a sexual preference for something that “lies outside of normative sexual behaviors or desires.” A fetish, meanwhile, is a sexual interest in something that “lies outside of normative sexual behaviors or desires and is required for sexual satisfaction and/or arousal.”
To put it in “Not all rectangles are squares” terms: “A fetish is always a kink, but a kink is not always a fetish,” says Philips.
Basically, we can boil down the difference between kinks and fetishes to three main definitions:
- “Kink” or “being kinky” is a big umbrella term for all non-vanilla sexual behaviors, acts, and desires.
- A kink is a specific sexual interest in a non-normative sexual behavior, body part, object, or act.
- A fetish is a specific sexual interest in a non-normative sexual behavior, body part, object, or act. This specific thing is usually a requirement for full sexual arousal.
While these three takeaways pretty much sum up the distinction between these two different flavors of non-vanilla sex, there’s a lot more nuance to what these fantasies and experiences actually look like in real life. For one thing, what even counts as “kinky” in the first place is subject to personal interpretation.
According to kink instructor and sex expert Julieta Chiaramonte, you’re the only one who gets to define your kinks. “Kink can be as simple as a neck kiss or as intense as being locked in a dungeon cage,” she says. Basically, one gal’s kink is another gal’s vanilla. There’s no concrete definition of what’s “normal” in bed, and there certainly isn’t any concrete definition of what’s considered kinky. What can we say? Kinkiness is in the eye of the beholder.
If this whole thing still feels a tad confusing, don’t sweat it. With anything as complex as sex—especially sex that, by definition, transcends what’s typically considered “normal”—things are bound to get a little blurry. That’s why we’re here with your in-depth guide to kinks vs. fetishes: What each term really means, what the difference is, why it matters, and how you can talk about your sexual needs—including your kinkiest kinks and fetishiest fetishes—with your partner.
Okay, So What Exactly Is a Kink?
According to Phillips, kink is “best defined as sexual behaviors and preferences that are not easily categorized or are different from what we consider typical sexual interests.”
In other words, a kink is a preference for a “non-normative” sexual behavior or object. Sociologist Sarah Melancon, Ph.D, clinical sexologist and resident expert at The Sex Toy Collective, explains that we can have lots of different sexual preferences (for instance, we can enjoy doggy style more than missionary), but a “kink” becomes a kink when it isn’t typical.
Of course, what is “typical” depends on society’s definition of “normal” sex, which is not only constantly evolving, but also influenced by the sex negativity that, unfortch, still runs rampant through almost every aspect of our culture. (We love it here! 😅) But, generally speaking, when we say “typical,” we’re talking about “vanilla sex.” Philips says things like the missionary position and kissing would typically fall into the “vanilla” category, while “kinky” sex may involve things like BDSM, Dom/sub role play dynamics, leather, spanking, etc. (For more examples, feel free to feast your eyes on this extensive list of common kinks and fetishes.)
TL;DR: What makes someone or something “kinky” is inherently hard to define because, ICYMI, the way we experience and categorize the vast array of different sexual desires, fantasies, and behaviors that exist in the world is constantly evolving, on both societal and individual levels. While certain sex acts and desires, like those mentioned above, may be widely considered kinky, only you get to decide if something is kinky to you. Your own kinks may be downright vanilla by someone else’s standards, and that’s totally valid on all counts.
What Is a Fetish?
A fetish is a fixation on a non-normative, typically non-sexual body part, object or act. Someone with a fetish usually needs that thing to be part of a sexual experience in order to achieve full erotic satisfaction.
Some people with fetishes may still be able to enjoy sexual pleasure without the fetish object present, but many require it in order to experience sexual arousal and orgasm. “For example, people with a latex or foot fetish may only experience sexual arousal when those [things] are present,” says Chiaramonte.
“Body part fetishes are some of the most common fetishes. These can include navels, legs, mouths, and hair,” says Phillips, adding that clothing and footwear fetishes are also popular. “These can include leather, lingerie, gym gear, heels, and other shoes.”
While a kink is a desire for an object or act to be a part of sex, it doesn’t need to be there for someone to enjoy a sexual encounter. If you have a fetish, on the other hand, then your sexual arousal and satisfaction is probably going to depend, at least to a significant degree, on whether or not the fetish object/activity is involved.
Why Knowing the Difference Between Kinks vs Fetishes Matters
The main difference between a kink and a fetish comes down to the level of intensity. Knowing the difference between whether you have a kink or a fetish is important “because kinks and fetishes come with wildly different sets of standards and needs,” says Chiaramonte.
Remember, kinks = “non-normative” sexual preferences, while fetishes = “non-normative” sexual requirements.
That said, there is some crossover between the two. For example, foot stuff might just be a kink if someone happens to love feet, toe-sucking, fishnet stockings on feet, etc. “But do they need it, absolutely need it, to orgasm? That would be the difference between a kink and a fetish,” explains Moushumi Ghose, MFT, a licensed sex therapist.
Getting clear on these definitions matters because it helps us understand our relationship to our specific desires. The difference between a kink and a fetish changes how you approach these acts in your sex life and relationships, says Melancon. Like, a partner is probably going to want to know if your interest in feet, for example, is something that’s going to be a necessary part of your sexual encounters, or just a kinky thing you’ll want to play with on occasion.
If it’s necessary, it’s a fetish. If it’s optional, it’s a kink. Knowing the difference allows you to communicate more clearly so that you and your partner(s) can co-create a plan for your sex life moving forward.
Which brings us to…
How to Talk to Your Partner About Your Kinks and/or Fetishes
Open and honest communication is absolutely necessary in order to have actually productive conversations with your partner—about sex or pretty much anything else, TBH.
“It is normal to feel anxious about talking to a partner about a kink or fetish,” says Melancon. “By sharing, we make ourselves vulnerable.” Which, yes, can be pretty scary! But vulnerability is also crucial to establishing intimacy with a partner and making sure your sex life is a healthy, happy, mutually satisfying one for everyone involved.
But first, in order to have those productive, kink-affirming/sex-life-enhancing conversations with our partners, we need to develop our communication skills, particularly when it comes to discussing sensitive topics. “Going slow, planting seeds, testing the waters, and building safety” are all key steps that can help establish effective, open-minded communication, says Ghose.
It’s important to remember, however, that just because you’ve chosen to be vulnerable with a partner about what you’re into doesn’t mean they’re obligated to engage with your kinks. “We must be willing to hear ‘no’ even if we want to hear ‘yes,’” says Melancon.
What If Your Partner Isn’t Into Your Kinks?
Honestly, they might not be. Again, just because you have a kink or fetish does not mean your partner will definitely be open to exploring it with you—and that’s totally okay! “What isn’t okay is to kink-shame, or degrade someone for liking what they like. As we say, don’t yuck someone’s yum,” says Chiaramonte.
If a kink or fetish is extremely important to you and your partner isn’t on board, you have to decide how to proceed. Melancon suggests giving some thought to the following options:
- You can wait it out and explore other fantasies for the time being.
- You can deepen the emotional intimacy of the relationship and see where that leads.
- You can end the relationship.
- You can choose to engage with the fetish or kink on your own, through porn, erotica, or consensual non-monogamy.
Long story short, whether you’re exploring your kinky side with a partner, multiple partners, or just yourself, only you get to decide what your kinks and fetishes are, what they mean to you, and what role you want them to play in your sex life/relationships. You’re the captain of your own kinky ship. Embrace it.
